A Dress Parade

What was my deepest fear coming in to 2009? That someone would invite me to a wedding or other equally formal function this year. Why? Because I had nothing to wear. “Nothing”, as in the last time I had to go to a wedding I had a mental breakdown and ended up wearing a costume from a 60’s throwback play I was in my sophomore year of high school.  Yeah. You see why I was scared!

But, lo and behold, ’tis the season for big sales at the store. Although my mother and I went shopping with no intention of purchasing formalwear, the girly-girl inside of us was inescapably drawn to the fancy clothes with the even fancier “Clearance” sign above them.

Since I found the items on my list with record speed, I had time to browse and select a few fun dresses to try on.

The “fun” part being not in the dress, mind you, but in the entertainment derived from me in them.

Oh dear…where do I begin?

Well, there was the froofy one that I couldn’t even walk three steps in without pitching headlong into the dressing room wall.

And we mustn’t forget the one that taught me an important lesson: Alex and fuchsia are like bleach and Pigpen. Yikes. I looked like I was going to puke. Seriously!  I learned another lesson from that dress: if it seems really hard to get on and off, it’s quite possible that there is a marvelous invention called the zipper just waiting for you to use it. Ha. Ha.

The most memorable dress was a knee-length blue and green number. It was a simple, sleveless sundress thingy. (can’t you tell I know my fashion terminology?) I slipped it on and walked out to show my mother.

After a moment of dumbfounded silence, my mother commented, “I knew some folks who had curtains just like that!” It was royal blue with a teal line bisecting the front, and teal circles on the bottom. After another moment of silence, my mother added, most helpfully, “You know, that would look nice…….with a swimsuit beneath it. Really, it looks like a swimsuit cover-up.”

I’m afraid she was right. Looking the mirror, too, it made me appear to have Peyton Manning’s shoulders and Walter Payton’s calves.   And most of you know that that’s not really my shape/size.  This was unusual; most of the dresses make me look like an Auschwitz prisoner, the way my bones stick out.

Finally, I found a dress that was actually not laughable, but cute. Wonder of wonder, miracles of miracles. A dress that fits, looks nice, is modest, perfectly suited for weddings…..AND on clearance.

Music to mine ears. 

It’s a short-sleeved dress, with a cream bodice and black skirt that hits just past my knees.  And I don’t look like a football player or deathly ill person. It’s actually quite adorable, if I do say so myself!

Now,  my greatest fear for 2009 is that no one will invite me to a wedding or equally formal event.

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Published in: on January 14, 2009 at 8:41 pm  Comments (3)  

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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Ha ha ha! You crack me up! Loved the humor in this post! 😉

    Glad to hear you found a cute dress! And it sounds like the others were an adventure, indeed! … What fun!!! 😀

  2. The Adventure Along the Way is often more fun than the Endpoint.

    BTW, You don’t look good wearing a curtain!

  3. My goodness you’re a character! This was so funny! I loved the line your mom said about the curtains. 🙂 And the zipper hiding…you made my day!
    I’m glad you did find a dress you like in the end.


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